Moderator AndyUK, the ‘Queen’ of the Off-Topic Forum attended both nights in Manchester. Here is his hilarious account of those nights.

Wow.

First of all can i just ask where all the fit gay men were? (Im just pulling your legs, Did anyone see that
yummy guy in the kilt?)

Reading review after review on here really does not do this show justice. You go in, thinking you know
absolutely everything that is going to occur over the next 2 (ish) hours, but it still somehow blows your
mind away. Im actually lost for words for once. After two nights of Madonna Manchester madness i just want
to share my experiences with you.

We all know the set list, and if you don’t – consider yourself spanked, so i’ll avoid the song by song,
blow by blow, account and try and make this personal. Firstly may i apologise to felloe Triber
“Wannabe”. I was sat next
to you in Row C, Block C On the Saturday night and you asked if i was on the Tribe. I said my user name was
Andy. You asked if my username was “Just Andy, nothing else?” I said yes. Im not sure why i did that. I get
scared around new people. Then i thought you asked me if i was Wannabe. Which confused me but, hey, it doesnt
take much. Then you made a dash for the front row with that little girl and i saw the back of your T Shirt and
realised YOU were Wannabe. I apologise. But congratulations on the birthday sign making for the Sunday night
and i hope you got your camera back!

Click on the Full Article link below to continue to read about Andy’s social disasters in Manchester!

So firstly i offend fellow Tribers. Not a good start. Now lets get to the ICON will call ticket “laugh”. Bit
of queue but i got in it about 5.30 so was close to the front of the line. I was worrying if everyone was going
to get in on time after the one little window didnt open till 6.30 and there appeared to be 56, 835* people in
the queue behind me. (*Slight exageration). But i’ve heard nothing to the contary so it must be good news .

Then i saw “Alison” with her powers at be for having the gift of handing out pit tickets. I eventually, after
getting my willy call tickets, plucked up the courage to go and ask for pit tickets. I said “Is your name
Alison?” (thankyou to the Triber who posted this info!) she laughed and asked how i knew that. I Lied again –
recurring theme of the night – and said i had “Contacts”. Thats not much of a lie is it? anyhow, she asked if
we danced. I Lied again – forgetting to mention my inability to gay dance – and said yes. She started handing
the four of us the tickets (I got some more tickets for friends in a more gypo section than Row C) when she
asked where we already had seats for. I told the truth for once and she highly recommended we kept our original
seats. She Reckoned you saw more of the show and it sounded better from the front than in the pit. She gave me
the choice. Now giving me the choice – the man who takes 4.5 hours to decide what to wear for that day – was
not a wise move. After one minute of thinking (that was a challenge) I decided to go with my original seats.
I hope i made the right choice, I think i did as i had a buzzing time but im going to try this trick at EC on
Wednesday.

After hiding my disposible camera down my rather expensive underpants, i sneaked past security and made my
way to the merchendice. Now can i just ask one thing? Do only “not thin” people attend concerts? as they
only appeared to stock XXXXXXL or XXXXXXXXXXXXXL shirts. Never mind. I eventually found the stall with
the medium shirts and had my 7th wee wee of the hour. I made my way to the seats, ignored Wannabe (Im
so sorry), and awaited the show to begin.

My heart was pounding. I had to , against the advise of my boyfriend, run to the bathroom for wee number 8 before
the lights dimmed (well they didnt really dim, they just went out).

Then some women called Madonna popped up on stage. So, there she is, looking as hot as ever and just yards
away. Wow. Looking at the real-life Madonna gives you such a buzz that is out of this world. From the second
that she pops up to sing some tune called Vogue it’s impossible not to get a bit too over excited and do a
little nervous wee in my pants (maybe i should not be sharing this?).

Anyhow. She then sang a few tunes of two.

She seemed more warm on the Sunday night, highlights being telling us all to never tell her to stop “you mother f*ckers”, the “your way better than lasts night crowd”, and the birthday “suprise”. She also went on, before Imagine, about how the song was wrote by a fella not born far from here (Manchester that is). THe trouble was most Mancunians hate those living in the land of Cilla Black and have spent years trying to move our cities a few more miles appart so that went down like a lead ballon (Im only joking).

On the Sunday night, the lady that isnt Donna De Lory came on stage, after Papa Dont preach to go on about her birthday tomorrow and, dont quote me, something about “a true 21st cenrury icon”. Madge seemed to enjoy the moment but i felt it wasnt a suprise but it was amazing singing “Happy Birthday Madonna”. (Big up to
Tribers who leafleted outside).

Anyhow then the show ended. The show just puts all the other pretenders efforts in the shade (see Britney’s
Something or other Hotel Tour). So much is going on before your eyes you really need to see this show 17 times.

I’ve only one word. Amazing.

And then onwards to Cruz on the Saturday, where i met the lovelly Johnnybaby and Gogobillyboy (liked the outfit), and had a top night.

I even spared Manchester my Monkey Dancing.

Anyhow, for those of you yet to experience this tour all i can say is that it WILL exceed your expectation.

See you all In Earls Court Wednesday and Thursday!

Andy x